Shalom, friends.
I feel like I'm standing on the verge of another great change in my life.
I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue, and I can't quite say anything.
I feel like all the deadwood, all the chaff, all the rubbish and rubble in my life that's keeping me from changing is being cleared and burnt away.
and i'm impatient
I feel -
I feel like I'm on fire.
4.13.2008
3.31.2008
One Month
Shalom, friends.
April comes, and with it brings no respite from the books. Tomorrow is the first of the month, and from there until the 8th of May, I will remain here and crunch out the final days of my first year at Wheaton. Sounds pretty dire once I put it that way, doesn't it? Well, it's not. So stop worrying.
I think this larger chunk of time without a long weekend or extra day here and there will somehow, somehow, help me to buckle down and work out the wrinkles in how I define myself--no scratch that, begin to work out those wrinkles--while still getting a better opportunity to focus on my schoolwork.
Other than that, I have the summer to look forward to, full of bartending, mowing lawns, and chilling with the chillun's down at the youth center. I hope to do some heavy writing over the months as well, meaning more than just a poem a month. At this point, it's not even anything right now. The summer will help. The summer will come. Yet, the summer is not everything. Remember these thoughts, Caleb. Ok. That's all for now. Thanks.
You know the drill,
-Caleb-
April comes, and with it brings no respite from the books. Tomorrow is the first of the month, and from there until the 8th of May, I will remain here and crunch out the final days of my first year at Wheaton. Sounds pretty dire once I put it that way, doesn't it? Well, it's not. So stop worrying.
I think this larger chunk of time without a long weekend or extra day here and there will somehow, somehow, help me to buckle down and work out the wrinkles in how I define myself--no scratch that, begin to work out those wrinkles--while still getting a better opportunity to focus on my schoolwork.
Other than that, I have the summer to look forward to, full of bartending, mowing lawns, and chilling with the chillun's down at the youth center. I hope to do some heavy writing over the months as well, meaning more than just a poem a month. At this point, it's not even anything right now. The summer will help. The summer will come. Yet, the summer is not everything. Remember these thoughts, Caleb. Ok. That's all for now. Thanks.
You know the drill,
-Caleb-
3.24.2008
Bagel of Joy
Shalom, friends.
I can't think of a time when food has tasted better than yesterday morning. There I was, sitting at my grandmother's table in Indiana, eating a delicious cinnamon bagel with cream cheese slathered over it, already melting. Any other morning, it would have been an ordinary meal, but after not eating for 7 days and only eating dinner for 33 days before that, it was the best bagel I've ever tasted.
Just thought I'd share that with you,
-Caleb-
I can't think of a time when food has tasted better than yesterday morning. There I was, sitting at my grandmother's table in Indiana, eating a delicious cinnamon bagel with cream cheese slathered over it, already melting. Any other morning, it would have been an ordinary meal, but after not eating for 7 days and only eating dinner for 33 days before that, it was the best bagel I've ever tasted.
Just thought I'd share that with you,
-Caleb-
3.21.2008
The Next Forty Days
Shalom, friends.
EASTER approches, and brings with it changes, anticipation, and hair loss.
TO begin, I have been thinking a considerable amount about the idea of abstinence. Not the sex version that everyone always thinks of when they hear the word, but the dictionary definition. Dictionary.com defines abstinence as "any self-restraint, self-denial, or forbearance." This year, I have celebrated the Lenten season for the first time, and the main focus of Lent is the idea of abstinence. That is why people give up something for Lent, something they want and indulge in frequently. Giving up something like chocolate does not line up with the idea of Lent, because unless you idolize chocolate or eating it hinders your communication with God, you are not recognizing Lent in the way it was orginally intended. All this is to say that I began with giving up video games for Lent, because I was using too much of my time to zonk out to a TV or computer screen.
IN order to anticipate the resurrection of Christ through the Lenten and Easter seasons, I have been fasting as well: only eating dinner for the past 40 days. Through this experience, I have learned that I allow food to slow me down, and I depend on it far too much. It is the "American Way" to idolize the food we eat, and that is exactly what I realized I have been doing. Now that I have been denying myself the food I depend on, I have learned to depend on Jesus to provide me with my energy for the day and to maintain my health. Thus far, He has not failed in these things, and I trust Him to nourish me for these last days. One change that has taken place in my fasting habits this week came from my friends at school. We have been talking about fasting, and they suggested we do a week-long fast for this last period through Holy Week. So now, I have not eaten any food since Monday lunch. It has been Hard! Really hard. We have lost a lot of energy and had a couple days where no one wanted to do anything productive, but all of us agree that we are learning so much from this period of hardship.
--And one last thing. I will not merely forget this idea of abstinence once Easter is over and done. For the next forty days from Easter till the day of the Ascension, I will attempt to abstain from vanity. I'm not saying I'm totally obsessed with the way I look, but I do spend a lot of time thinking about what I should put on in the morning or how to make my hair look good. So, I've decided to remove both of those problems for the next 40 days. No, I'm not going to be a nudist. I'm going to wear a white t-shirt and jeans from Easter Sunday until the third of May. Also, I shaved my head!
I'll be keeping it like this for the next forty days as well, to attempt a break from my preconceived notions of what people think of me. In a lot of ways, my hair defined me when it was longer, and that shouldn't happen in a life that strives to seek Christ. I thought way too much about whether it was messed up or not, and found myself looking in the mirror a lot to fix it throughout the day. All these things aren't good. The end. I've been rambling too much, so I'll just stop here on this subject.
So anyway, Easter is right around the corner, and today has been great fasting-wise so far. Since I know I'll be able to eat tomorrow, waiting one more day doesn't seem so bad. Because of this, I've been able to enjoy the fast without worrying about my health or my hunger. Ultimately, I will say that deciding to recognize Lent has changed my life in so many ways, and all of them for the best. Thanks for taking the time to read this. News on the Ascension in 40 more days.
Seek all good things,
-Caleb-
EASTER approches, and brings with it changes, anticipation, and hair loss.
ANOTHER thing that has changed my life dramatically during Lent has been my break-up with my girlfriend Lauren. If you have questions about it, send me an email or something. My point in putting that information here is to inform anyone who reads this of the occurance, and mark it as a huge change that I underwent through this Lenten experience.
--And one last thing. I will not merely forget this idea of abstinence once Easter is over and done. For the next forty days from Easter till the day of the Ascension, I will attempt to abstain from vanity. I'm not saying I'm totally obsessed with the way I look, but I do spend a lot of time thinking about what I should put on in the morning or how to make my hair look good. So, I've decided to remove both of those problems for the next 40 days. No, I'm not going to be a nudist. I'm going to wear a white t-shirt and jeans from Easter Sunday until the third of May. Also, I shaved my head!
I'll be keeping it like this for the next forty days as well, to attempt a break from my preconceived notions of what people think of me. In a lot of ways, my hair defined me when it was longer, and that shouldn't happen in a life that strives to seek Christ. I thought way too much about whether it was messed up or not, and found myself looking in the mirror a lot to fix it throughout the day. All these things aren't good. The end. I've been rambling too much, so I'll just stop here on this subject.
So anyway, Easter is right around the corner, and today has been great fasting-wise so far. Since I know I'll be able to eat tomorrow, waiting one more day doesn't seem so bad. Because of this, I've been able to enjoy the fast without worrying about my health or my hunger. Ultimately, I will say that deciding to recognize Lent has changed my life in so many ways, and all of them for the best. Thanks for taking the time to read this. News on the Ascension in 40 more days.
Seek all good things,
-Caleb-
2.28.2008
CLC crazyness
Shalom, friends.
The wait is finally over. The fates of the five compadres have been decided, at least for another year. The big question of "CLC?" was answered last night around eleven o'clock. Before I go any further, perhaps you'd appreciate another explanation.
The Community Life Council (CLC) is a group made up of 12 members in the Fischer dorm, one for each floor, that meet at least once a week to plan events for the Fischer community to enjoy. These include things like Coffeehouse, the Beach Party, movie nights, and other events to bring together a multi-floor group. CLC is made up of sophomores only, mind you.
The supposedly most important aspect of making the council (and the one that spawns the most drama and hearsay) is first preference for housing next year. This creates an environment of competition so powerful that by the end of everything, we had all forgotten what
we were striving for in the first place. In the end, it was all about getting back on the floor and NOT going over to Evans. In the end, it wasn't about wanting CLC for an opportunity to make change in Fischer. Also, the manner of communication between those applying and those deciding became rather "high schoolish." By this, I mean that the decision process fell instantly to rumor and "he-said, she-said" discussions. I understand that those sorts of things happen all the time, but I just didn't expect it from a college council. Plus, it only added to the drama and to the shallow side of competition.
The strangest thing about all this is that I never applied! And yet, since I am rooming with Jeremy and Nick next year, I aligned myself with them without a second thought. I'll admit, I totally bought into all the aspects described above, and only now am I fully realizing my error. For example, I supported Jeremy and Nick completely, without a thought to the possibility that there might be someone better suited for CLC. Now, I'll say right here that I think Jeremy is going to do a fantastic job
(YES JEREMY GOT CLC!!! I'LL JUST LET YOU ALL KNOW RIGHT NOW! MERGH!)
but I'm saddened by my own haste in not considering the possibility that anyone else would also be fantastic. It was also pretty awkward with my roommate, who also applied for CLC and actually wanted it for the council's purpose, because he already knows that he'll be back here next year. This whole thing created a false animosity between us that was mostly just awkward silence whenever CLC came up in discussion, and now it'll be a little weird for a while since he didn't get on the council. I guess I just feel selfish. This stems directly from my desire to get back on the floor, get back on 2E, because if we don't get CLC then we have to go to Evans. That's all CLC was in the end: a ticket back on the floor.
However, I know that Jeremy really is looking forward to working with the next RA and I guess I should let him speak for himself if he wishes to comment on the post that's all about him...Jeremy?
I am pretty excited about being back in Fischer, no matter what I said above. All that doesn't change the facts: we'll be sophomores next year. We'll be able to be around the new freshmen. We'll be awesome. And most important of all, there's a ping pong table in the basement. That makes everything better.
Justice, mercy, humbleness, arête.
-Caleb-
The wait is finally over. The fates of the five compadres have been decided, at least for another year. The big question of "CLC?" was answered last night around eleven o'clock. Before I go any further, perhaps you'd appreciate another explanation.
The Community Life Council (CLC) is a group made up of 12 members in the Fischer dorm, one for each floor, that meet at least once a week to plan events for the Fischer community to enjoy. These include things like Coffeehouse, the Beach Party, movie nights, and other events to bring together a multi-floor group. CLC is made up of sophomores only, mind you.
The supposedly most important aspect of making the council (and the one that spawns the most drama and hearsay) is first preference for housing next year. This creates an environment of competition so powerful that by the end of everything, we had all forgotten what
we were striving for in the first place. In the end, it was all about getting back on the floor and NOT going over to Evans. In the end, it wasn't about wanting CLC for an opportunity to make change in Fischer. Also, the manner of communication between those applying and those deciding became rather "high schoolish." By this, I mean that the decision process fell instantly to rumor and "he-said, she-said" discussions. I understand that those sorts of things happen all the time, but I just didn't expect it from a college council. Plus, it only added to the drama and to the shallow side of competition.
The strangest thing about all this is that I never applied! And yet, since I am rooming with Jeremy and Nick next year, I aligned myself with them without a second thought. I'll admit, I totally bought into all the aspects described above, and only now am I fully realizing my error. For example, I supported Jeremy and Nick completely, without a thought to the possibility that there might be someone better suited for CLC. Now, I'll say right here that I think Jeremy is going to do a fantastic job
(YES JEREMY GOT CLC!!! I'LL JUST LET YOU ALL KNOW RIGHT NOW! MERGH!)
but I'm saddened by my own haste in not considering the possibility that anyone else would also be fantastic. It was also pretty awkward with my roommate, who also applied for CLC and actually wanted it for the council's purpose, because he already knows that he'll be back here next year. This whole thing created a false animosity between us that was mostly just awkward silence whenever CLC came up in discussion, and now it'll be a little weird for a while since he didn't get on the council. I guess I just feel selfish. This stems directly from my desire to get back on the floor, get back on 2E, because if we don't get CLC then we have to go to Evans. That's all CLC was in the end: a ticket back on the floor.
However, I know that Jeremy really is looking forward to working with the next RA and I guess I should let him speak for himself if he wishes to comment on the post that's all about him...Jeremy?
I am pretty excited about being back in Fischer, no matter what I said above. All that doesn't change the facts: we'll be sophomores next year. We'll be able to be around the new freshmen. We'll be awesome. And most important of all, there's a ping pong table in the basement. That makes everything better.
Justice, mercy, humbleness, arête.
-Caleb-
2.24.2008
Explanations
Shalom, friends.
I suppose this is the part where I explain myself and go through what this is all about. My reasons for placing my thoughts where other people can see them are varied, but this seems to be the dominant purpose: I best articulate my thoughts through writing. I know that everyone who reads this and has talked with me in person knows that my spoken words are not the perfect vessels that other people are gifted with, and my memory escapes me quite frequently. I have discovered that through writing out my thoughts and taking time to think about what I really want to say, I can better communicate what is actually going on in my head. I hope this is not seen as a selfish endeavor to gain attention, but rather a gesture of openness from my life to yours (and hopefully, the other way around as well).
I've realized that my life is changing dramatically again this semester. Having a solid group of guys that I can trust and be encouraged and be uplifted (and rebuked) by is really something that I have never had before in my life. They have taught me so many things, whether it's how to have a better ping-pong game or read my bible more often or a conversation that lasts for 4 hours just talking about what we really see in our lives. I look forward to next year, when we are all living together.
I have also found a wonderful source of conversation in these past weeks: my family. The talks we've had about our changing lives are so totally different than the words we spoke when I was still living at home. I find new things to think about every time they drop me off here or hang up the phone. This new stint of conversation seems to mirror the change in the rest of my life and makes me think that someday I actually will grow up. Not yet, but I'm getting there.
And finally, my relationship with my girlfriend Lauren has also changed dramatically over the course of this year, and even over the few weeks that I've been back at school this semester. With the fact that she is still at home while I'm away at school having new experiences, it's been hard for both of us to adjust to the new circumstances. However, I definitely think that we have both grown and become more mature in relation to each other through this separation. She's a big part of my life as well, so you'll hear a lot about her as well as my friends and my family.
Overall, I think the largest source of change in my life since I've come to college at Wheaton is my relationship with Jesus. Honestly, there wasn't much to speak about for the years I was in high school. I had developed a mentality that I was "saved," so I didn't have to do much except talk about it, pray well in front of a group, and keep up appearances. Because I had prayed "The Prayer" (you know, the one that you pray and get your ticket into heaven with), I was set for life and could do whatever I wanted and sort of take life as it came. Since I've been here, I have seen things differently. I don't think I was ever told right out that my previous thinking was flawed, but I could see something different in the actions and lives of the people I began to look up to here at school. Also, since I have started to read some of Brian McLaren's books, along with Shane Claiborne and others, I realized that I need to redevelop my view of everything. I've realized that everything must change in the way I think about God and people in order for me to truly love God and love people. As of right now, the words that I need to further explain myself are escaping me, so I will sum up by saying that I know I need God to mold my view of Him and His creation into something different than the lukewarm, apathetic version I've stuck with throughout high school, and I am trying to figure out what to do after that happens.
Well, that was long-winded. Hope I didn't frighten you off. See you later.
Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly, seek arête.
-Caleb-
I suppose this is the part where I explain myself and go through what this is all about. My reasons for placing my thoughts where other people can see them are varied, but this seems to be the dominant purpose: I best articulate my thoughts through writing. I know that everyone who reads this and has talked with me in person knows that my spoken words are not the perfect vessels that other people are gifted with, and my memory escapes me quite frequently. I have discovered that through writing out my thoughts and taking time to think about what I really want to say, I can better communicate what is actually going on in my head. I hope this is not seen as a selfish endeavor to gain attention, but rather a gesture of openness from my life to yours (and hopefully, the other way around as well).
I've realized that my life is changing dramatically again this semester. Having a solid group of guys that I can trust and be encouraged and be uplifted (and rebuked) by is really something that I have never had before in my life. They have taught me so many things, whether it's how to have a better ping-pong game or read my bible more often or a conversation that lasts for 4 hours just talking about what we really see in our lives. I look forward to next year, when we are all living together.
I have also found a wonderful source of conversation in these past weeks: my family. The talks we've had about our changing lives are so totally different than the words we spoke when I was still living at home. I find new things to think about every time they drop me off here or hang up the phone. This new stint of conversation seems to mirror the change in the rest of my life and makes me think that someday I actually will grow up. Not yet, but I'm getting there.
And finally, my relationship with my girlfriend Lauren has also changed dramatically over the course of this year, and even over the few weeks that I've been back at school this semester. With the fact that she is still at home while I'm away at school having new experiences, it's been hard for both of us to adjust to the new circumstances. However, I definitely think that we have both grown and become more mature in relation to each other through this separation. She's a big part of my life as well, so you'll hear a lot about her as well as my friends and my family.
Overall, I think the largest source of change in my life since I've come to college at Wheaton is my relationship with Jesus. Honestly, there wasn't much to speak about for the years I was in high school. I had developed a mentality that I was "saved," so I didn't have to do much except talk about it, pray well in front of a group, and keep up appearances. Because I had prayed "The Prayer" (you know, the one that you pray and get your ticket into heaven with), I was set for life and could do whatever I wanted and sort of take life as it came. Since I've been here, I have seen things differently. I don't think I was ever told right out that my previous thinking was flawed, but I could see something different in the actions and lives of the people I began to look up to here at school. Also, since I have started to read some of Brian McLaren's books, along with Shane Claiborne and others, I realized that I need to redevelop my view of everything. I've realized that everything must change in the way I think about God and people in order for me to truly love God and love people. As of right now, the words that I need to further explain myself are escaping me, so I will sum up by saying that I know I need God to mold my view of Him and His creation into something different than the lukewarm, apathetic version I've stuck with throughout high school, and I am trying to figure out what to do after that happens.
Well, that was long-winded. Hope I didn't frighten you off. See you later.
Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly, seek arête.
-Caleb-
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